


I Could Never Live Without Your Love

by fyrbyrd



Category: The A-Team (TV)
Genre: Angst, Extremely Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape, Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:15:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fyrbyrd/pseuds/fyrbyrd
Summary: Murdock takes a paid job from Stockwell to pay the rent, but it has devastating circumstances.
Relationships: H. M. "Howling Mad" Murdock/Original Male Character(s), H. M. "Howling Mad" Murdock/Templeton "Faceman" Peck
Kudos: 2





	I Could Never Live Without Your Love

**Author's Note:**

> In memory of my friend Jeff who died way too soon.

I Could Never Live Without Your Love

Murdock felt strange at accepting a paid job from Stockwell, but he needed the money and the team weren't doing anything. Stockwell had given the others some time to themselves, but they didn't have rent to pay like he did.

And the job Stockwell offered did interest him. All he had to do was follow one man, a suspected rapist who had attacked several women, but there was not enough evidence to charge him. One of the women he had raped had worked for Stockwell, hence his interest in the matter. So Murdock decided to take the offer, to help put away a man like that, would be well worth it.

The man didn't seem to work and lived in a rooming house. He seemed the quiet sort and kept to himself, and was rather easy to keep track of.

With expenses from Stockwell, Murdock got a room in the same house, but he began to wonder if Stockwell's suspicions could be right.

Then one day he followed the man to the market and while he was there he brought food for himself, but when he was in the checkout, he saw the man turn and stare at him deliberately. Yet he could not help following the man home, and at his own door the man suddenly appeared .

"Why is it I see a lot of you? You following me or something?" he demanded.

Murdock was startled, the man suddenly scared him and for moment he didn't know what to say, "But I live here."

"I remember seeing you before you moved here. Leave me alone. Stop following me." The whole thing was said like a threat.

Murdock went into his room and closed the door behind him. He had been scared and all his doubts had vanished. He knew he could not give up now and yet he knew he had blown his cover.

A few days later he went outside and decided to rake up some leaves in the yard which gave him a chance to watch both exists. The man could not leave without him seeing.

But he spent hours out on the yard, the man never left and that was unusual. Having finished with the leaves he knew it would look suspicious to remain there with nothing to do so he went back to the garden shed to put away the rake.

As he entered and put the rake against the wall, he was grabbed from behind and pushed violently against the wall.

The man had a stranglehold on him and he could not move, the door was kicked shut.

"Make a sound and I'll break your neck," warned the man, "Put your hands behind your back."

Murdock didn't move, the man's arm squeezed harder, "Do it!"

He did it carefully.

The man's free hand put a cuff on one wrist, then the other and a piece of tape was forced over his mouth, only then did the man let the hold fall.

"You have been following me. What are you trying to do, huh? You trying to get something on me? You one of those trying to get me for those girls, huh? You're no cop, I know that. Private heat maybe? Well, you shouldn't have picked on me. I don't like that. I don't like you. But if you want proof, I'm going to give it to you!"

Murdock was pushed over a large trunk left in the shed and the man virtually ripped his pants off. He wanted to scream with the realization of what was about to happen. He wanted to fight it. His arms were pushed up until they hurt and he could not move, then he was entered violently. He couldn't believe the pain or the frenzy of the man and he went into shock long before the rape ended.

He came to on the ground. The cuffs had been removed and it was dark outside. He lay there a long time waiting for the pain to ease, waiting for the nightmare to end. But it was no dream.

Slowly he began to pick himself up which was an agony in itself but he pushed himself to do it. He tore the tape from his mouth and could not hold back the tears as they overcame him. He was shaking with the pain and shock and he felt so cold, not just because he was half naked. He knew it was the shock. He picked up an old sheet and used it to cover himself as he painfully made it to the door and opened it.

He was glad of the darkness, he didn't want anyone to see him. He got to the back door and was glad to see the passage was empty. Somehow he made it to his room and he automatically locked the door. He collapsed then and crawled to the bathroom where he threw up. Then he pulled himself to his feet once more and pulled the rest of his clothes off and got into the shower.

He knew he had spent more than half an hour just standing under the water leaning against the wall, but he still felt dirty.

Getting out he put a towel around himself and made it to his bed where he again collapsed and lay until he lost consciousness.

It was the phone that woke him. He didn't want to get up and answer it, he didn't want to move at all, he still hurt so much. But he dragged himself over to it and picked up the receiver. It was Stockwell wanting a progress report. He didn't know what to say. He had absolute proof that the man was a rapist, but to admit to Stockwell that he had become the man's latest victim... He made excuses instead and said he would stay on it, that seemed to satisfy Stockwell and he hung up.

Murdock forced himself to get up and dressed. He didn't want to be naked, it made him feel vulnerable. He found he couldn't eat either, the very thought of food made him feel sick.

He took some aspirins to calm his pounding head and wished it could tame the rest of his pain. Eventually he collapsed on the couch and just lay there unable to do anything.

He did nothing but remain in that room for over a week never venturing out, hardly eating. But the pain began to abate even though the memory would not. 

Then Stockwell called again. He still wanted to know how things were going, being slightly surprised the man had not done anything, it was out of his pattern. That suddenly hit Murdock, it was not true, the man had kept to his pattern.

"And there is much more reason to catch this maniac before he can strike again. Michelle, the girl he raped a couple of months ago, has returned an AIDS positive test. It could only have been the rapist," continued Stockwell.

Murdock almost dropped the phone, he felt like he had been struck by lightning.

"I went him caught and caught soon."

Murdock slowly out the receiver down and closed his eyes... Only have been the rapist... AIDS... He was too stunned to move, his mind went blank. Stockwell had put him under a death sentence.

And he thought of Face with tears in his eyes.

Stockwell was angry. The rapist had struck again, two months after his last reported attack, he had missed one month. Murdock was supposed to be watching the man, but had reported nothing. And he had not called Murdock in three weeks, thinking him busy with the mission.

Now he called. And called. But there was no answer.

"Several months ago I sent Murdock on a mission to catch a rapist. I got him into the same building where the rapist lived to gather evidence against him and to watch him. For the last month I have had no contact with Murdock, and in that time the rapist skipped one month of his established pattern, but struck again a few days ago. I have heard nothing from Murdock and I cannot reach him either on the phone. I need one of you to go to the building and see what is going on. As the rapist is still living there I need it to be done without any suspicion on his part," said Stockwell to be the rest of the team at the house in Langley. "A bill collector or some such character will do."

"Well, Face you can do it. We might need to get into Murdock's room if he's not there, so repossession may be best. Perhaps for the tv," suggested the Colonel.

They all agreed.

Face went to the building manager to see if Murdock was in, and if not to get a key.

"Him. Nah, haven't seen him in weeks. His rent's paid up though. Sure, you can have the key. Mind you take the tv and nothing else," said the man.

Face took the key and went up to Murdock's room. It was neat and tidy, but by the musty smell, Face knew Murdock hadn't been there for some time. Face checked the cupboards, they were empty and all Murdock's clothes were gone. And there was no clue as to where he had gone.

Face checked with the manager one last time before leaving and found out the last time the man was sure Murdock was there.

"He's been gone from there for almost a month," reported Face, giving Stockwell the date.

Stockwell turned pondering it.  
"  
A month?" questioned the Colonel, "Then where is he?"

"You don't think the rapist might have suspected, done something, do you?" said Frankie.  
"No, he's still at the building. I doubt if he'd done anything to Murdock, he'd still be there, there was another reason. Seems to be just after you last contacted him, Stockwell," continued the Colonel.

Stockwell was still thinking.

"Well, what was he like then."

"He didn't say much at all. It was the usual call. I told him I wanted to get the man. He was all for getting him too, at the start," answered Stockwell. But he remembered the rest of the call. The part about the girl who had AIDS.

At first it had been suspected that she got it from the rapist, but it was soon learned otherwise that she received a contaminated transfusion from her own brother, he was the real carrier.

But why had Murdock taken off and disappeared after the call?

"I have to get someone else on the rapist," Stockwell said suddenly.

"What about Murdock?" asked the Colonel.

"He's your man, you find him," he returned abruptly and left.

The others looked at each other in confusion.

"It's not like Murdock to disappear, there has to be a reason," said Face.

"Stockwell's not giving much away either, but he sure wants that bastard. I say we'd better find out a bit more about it, then we might get a clue as to where Murdock's gone."

Stockwell was in his office on the jet with Carla.

"And in the fourteen months this rapist has been operating, he never missed a month, that is except last month. This month he returned to his pattern," said Carla, "The month he missed was the month we had Murdock on him."

"And now Mr Murdock is missing and there seems to be no reason why," added Stockwell.

"You said seems to be?"

Stockwell looked at his assistant.

"I begin to believe our rapist did not miss that month. I believe he found a victim."

"And you think Murdock knows about it?"

"I think he more than knows about it."

Carla seemed puzzled, then, "You don't mean that he, but he's..."

"A man. Yes, I believe Murdock became the victim."

"But why? And where is he?"

"I think the rapist suspected him, attacked him and took his revenge by raping Murdock. I believe this because Murdock is gone. The last time I spoke to him I told him about Michelle having AIDS."

Carla seemed genuinely stunned, "And he's gone because he thinks he might have AIDS? But we know she didn't get it from the rapist."

"We know as of two weeks ago, Murdock disappeared a month ago."

"What are we going to do?"

"I want someone else on the rapist. He's had fourteen victims. I want him caught."

"And Mr Murdock?"

"I've already told the Colonel he can find him."

Carla stared at Stockwell's back as he swung his chair around. For once even she was shocked by his cruelty. Then she hurried away to do his bidding.

Face came into the living room where the others sat with papers in front of them. He had a report to give.

"This guy's had thirteen victims to date and all this has occurred monthly over the past fourteen months. He skipped last month for no known reason."

"I checked out the bus, train and airport, no one of Murdock's description went out," put in Frankie.

"He's a pilot, he could have rented a plane or something, check that out. B.A. stick to rental cars. Now, thirteen victims every month except one. The one when Murdock was there," said the Colonel, "And he disappears before the lastest victim, what does that suggest?"

"That there was another victim?" tried Frankie.

Everyone looked at him.

"Elaborate," said the Colonel.

"Well, I mean, maybe this guy did rape someone and Murdock knew about it."

"And?"

"And -- well... I don't know."

"If Murdock knew he'd have come forward, not disappear," said B.A.

Face was looking at the Colonel, "But you still think there was another victim, don't you?"

The Colonel nodded.

"You think the victim was Murdock himself," continued Face.

The others stared at the Colonel with gaping mouths.

"But he's..." began Frankie.

"A man. Yes. But I've been reading the psyche report on the rapist which states that he could have homosexual tendencies. Yes, I think he raped Murdock when Murdock got too close, and I think that's why Murdock disappeared."

"But why, we'd have..." Face began but couldn't finish.

"Understood? No Face, how could he face up to us and tell is he'd been raped by another man? Could you? We've been through a lot together, but not this. But still he's disappeared completely, abandoned everything, now that's not like Murdock. Even if he were raped he would not have left like that, leaving it all up in the air. He'd have stayed silent about it, certainly, but he'd have done something rather than let the bastard get away with it. No there's some other reason why he left without a word."

Murdock had wandered aimlessly for nearly a month. He did it in a half daze with no plan in mind. He just had to get away. And bad dreams drove him on. Dreams of being raped over and over. Dreams of dying.

He hid his money in his shoes and carried his clothes in a dufflebag. He slept where ever was dry if it were wet, or cool if it were not. He didn't know where he was, nor did he care. And he buried himself in anonymity, playing a waiting game. Waiting to die.

Stockwell finally caught the rapist out when he tried for his fifteenth victim. But he would only stand trial for thirteen cases of rape, and one attempted rape. He even confessed to them all, all except one did he tell the police about.

Stockwell however, wanted to know about the one and visited the man in prison to confirm his suspicions.

The rapist laughed when he admitted to it. He had enjoyed raping another man. A man who had been spying on him. He laughed long after Stockwell left.

Stockwell returned to his jet and found someone waiting for him.

"Colonel," he acknowledged as he entered and passed on his way to his seat.

"So you got him," began the Colonel, "And he'll pay for nearly all his crimes."

"Nearly, Colonel?"

The Colonel faced Stockwell, "We all know he never missed his pattern, that's how you caught him, sticking to it."

Stockwell didn't answer.

"But his thirteenth victim can't see justice done."

"All the women he raped have agreed to testify against him."

"The women, yes. Look Stockwell, let's stop kidding around, we both know he raped Murdock too, but it doesn't explain why Murdock has disappeared."

Stockwell nodded slightly, "Very well. He admitted that he raped Murdock."

The Colonel took a seat heavily even with the admission from Stockwell of their fears, it had lifted no burden from him.

"Then why Stockwell? Where is Murdock?"

"That I do not know. But as to why... I believe I can answer that. I think Murdock believes he has AIDS."

The Colonel's mouth fell open, "What?"

"Just before he disappeared I told him that one of the victims had returned a positive test for AIDS. At the time I had no idea that Murdock had been raped, it was an incentive to catch the man. So thinking the rapist was the carrier, the disease passed to him through the rape. Since then we know for certain that the rapist does not have the disease."

The Colonel stared at the floor. So that was why Murdock disappeared with no sign.

The Colonel hated to admit defeat, but after six months of searching and finding nothing, he did. And sadly the others were forced to go along with him. Murdock was gone, as if he had vanished from the face of the earth.

But he hadn't. He had wandered aimlessly, surviving as best he could on the money he had, playing his waiting game. For a while in the winter he got very sick from the cold and not eating properly. He was taken into a men's shelter and cared for by a priest who ran the place. He tried to warn the man that it was useless and even admitted he could have AIDS, but still he was cared for. And he pulled through.

The priest asked him questions as to who he was, what he could do and such like. Murdock answered with the name he had adopted, Harry. What he could do? Nothing.

"All you really needed was some warmth and good food," said the priest, Father Anthony.

Murdock shrugged.

"You must have someone, somewhere?"

"No, I don't. My family is all gone. I am alone."

"Well Harry, how long have you had AIDS?"

"Nearly a year."

"Really. Are you sure? Despite malnourishment, you look healthy enough to me. Have you been tested?"

"No."

"Then maybe you should. If you do they could help you. If not, then you could do something with your life."

"Maybe."

"How did you, ah, contract it?"

Murdock held the priest's eyes, the question hurt.

"Blood transfusion?"

"No, and I'm not gay either."

"Then how?"

"Does it matter?"

"No, no, not really."

Murdock settled back in his bed as the priest was called away.

He couldn't go near a hospital, they'd want to know who he was. He decided to leave the shelter that night.

Murdock crept away as he had planned, but he wasn't two blocks away from the place when he was attacked. Three men beat him to the ground, robbed him of every cent he had, stole his bag and everything, and to top it off, they kicked him about as he lay dazed on the ground before running off.

He crawled off into an alley, found a large box to shelter in and stayed there. He hurt like hell and realized he was bleeding before he sank into unconsciousness.

He woke up to find an old wino peering at him. He had seen the man at the shelter.

"Wanna drink?" offered the wino.

Murdock shook his head, then coughed and fell back in pain.

"You need help, I can get the priest," said the wino.

"No," gasped Murdock. "No please."

The wino sat down and shook his head, then he saw something.

"Kaz," he called.

A boy, hardly sixteen came up to the wino.

"Look here." He pointed to Murdock.

"What is it, Jimbo, more pink snakes?" said the boy.

"No a man, he's from the shelter."  
The boy looked closer and Murdock saw him. He was a streetkid, Murdock had seen him around.

"He's hurt, been beat up," continued the wino.

"I can see, Jimbo. Hey you, need some help?"

Murdock reluctantly nodded.

"Yeah, I know you, you was real sick, they took ya to the shelter. What happened?"

"Robbed," gasped Murdock.

"I'll take ya back to the shelter."

"No. I don't want go to there."

"Why?"

"Why don't you stay there?"

The boy grinned, "Yeah, he likes to do that, tries to get people to go home. Me, I never want to do that." He got down and helped Murdock up, "Come on, I'll take you to my flop, okay."

Murdock slowly rose, but he hurt all over and had to lean on the kid.

"Shesh, they dun you over good. I bet it hurt?"

Murdock managed a pained nod.

"I can get something for that. Come on."

They left the wino and slowly went through several alleys to a deserted warehouse. Kaz got Murdock through the hidden entrance and inside.

The place was used by other homeless people who each had their own spot. Kaz had claimed an office for himself and there he took Murdock and eased him onto an old mattress he had there.

Murdock gratefully settled while Kaz moved rubbish around. Rubbish that hid his belongings. He came out with a bottle of water and some pills.

"Here, take these, they'll help," he handed them to Murdock.

"What are they?"

"Pills, take 'em, they'll help. Go on."

Reluctantly Murdock took them even though he had a feeling they were not penicillin or aspirin. But maybe they might just kill the pain.

Murdock had slept and later Kaz gave him more pills, they killed the pain all right. Kaz gave him food too and looked after him. Murdock tried to stop Kaz giving him the pills, even though they helped and Kaz wouldn't say what they were, but he took them.

Kaz was gone in the later afternoons until well into the evenings, and always came back with food and more pills. He took the pills himself. Murdock, nearly recovered asked Kaz how he survived on the streets.

Kaz quite unashamedly answered that he sold his body to get by. There were lots of older men who would pay good money to be with the boy.

Kaz also told Murdock why he could not go home, his stepfather beat him up and his mother was a drunk anyway. Neither of them cared about him and he was too independent to live in foster homes.

He asked about Murdock who was reluctant to answer, but what little he did tell, the boy understood somehow. That little related to being a Vietnam vet, about the V.A. He didn't have to say any more, Kaz had met some vets before, wanderers like Murdock was, now burned out men who could not relate to the real world any more.

Murdock was also faced with what he would now do for survival, he had nothing now but the clothes on his back. He did not want to rely on the boy's charity, indeed he wanted to pay him back, and perhaps get him out of what he was doing.

He couldn't go back to the shelter, nor anywhere else, but he wasn't afraid to try and get a job, not a proper one anyway.

With Kaz asleep in the mornings Murdock went out to search, occasionally he got something, usually manual, one day stints. But when he couldn't and he was hungry enough, he stole. And Kaz encouraged him.

The pills became a part of his life too. Kaz got them, but Murdock insisted on paying for his share. He was dependant on them now, as was Kaz. He knew then that they were barbiturates, and he was now addicted to them. But he didn't care, they eased all the pains.

Kaz did have friends his own age, street kids like himself. He banded with them occasionally, usually to steal. He ran into one band one night out with Murdock.

They were set to break into a supermarket to steal food and any money they could find, anything of value to sell or pawn. They wanted Kaz to join them, but he wouldn't go without Murdock. The group let them join them.

Murdock actually helped them by showing them where the alarms were. They got in through the roof.

They grabbed what food they could carry, and other items and got out. On the way however, one of the older guys wanted to smash up some displays, Murdock stopped him.

Outside Kaz had an argument with the guy about Murdock, fiercely defending him. They had been wondering why Kaz usually so independent was sticking with the older man.

"What's he doing? Keeping you in practice?" taunted Vinnie the one who started the whole thing.

Kaz lashed out, but Vinnie was much bigger than he, "He's not like that!"

Vinnie shut up and the group left Kaz and Murdock.

Murdock had purposely kept out of it. He didn't want to cause any trouble. They went back to their flop with their food.

"I could leave," said Murdock.

Kaz looked at him, "But why?"

"I don't want to cause any trouble."

"With who, Vinnie and them? Don't be stupid. Please Harry, don't go... I mean I've got used to you, I don't want you to go... I -- I. Just don't go."

"They think I'm using you."

"Well, you're not. You know you're not. I wouldn't let you anyway."

Murdock nodded and lay down.

Kaz finished hiding the food and lay down beside Murdock. They shared the mattress as it was all they had and it was warmer together.

Murdock would often wake up to find Kaz snuggled up to him. Perhaps that was the reason his friends thought as they did. Murdock knew he wouldn't, could not ever do that. Not with Kaz, not with anyone.

Still Kaz fished for information from him.

"Did you ever love anyone, Harry?"

"Love. How do you mean? I have loved, everyone has."

"Well, friends then, did you love any of your friends?"

Kaz would dredge up those memories.

"Yes, I have loved friends. Three especially. My unit in 'Nam, but... I haven't seen them in a long time. I doubt I'll ever see them again."

"Anyone else?"

"I loved this lady vet, as in animal doctor, but it didn't work out. That's about it really."

Kaz nodded to himself, "You haven't known many people then?"

"No, I haven't. Just my unit, people in the V.A. That's it."

"What was it like, being locked up?"

"Curious today, aren't we?" put in Murdock. "Okay, I suppose. I had bed and board."

Again Kaz nodded.

"I wouldn't like to get locked up. I couldn't stand it. I'd be hit on all the time and I wouldn't like that. I like to be free, on me own or with people I Iike, not strangers."

This time Murdock nodded.

The weather turned cooler and they got more things for the flop and to keep warm they continued sleeping together.

Murdock's cold reared again and Kaz moved closer to help him get warmer. It seemed innocent enough to Murdock. So he let him.

Kaz often stole liquor to help out too, but the combination of that and the pills and the cold had Murdock off his head more often. He could barely remember the night before. It did not effect Kaz the same way, he said it was better for Murdock to sleep.

Kaz guarded him, kept him warm, held him tight. As Murdock swam through his never-never world, Kaz's courage got stronger.

He caressed Murdock's face and later he was able to undo Murdock's pants and fondle him.

One night he got even bolder and took Murdock's pants down and massaged his backside. Murdock was conscious, but had no idea what was happening. In fact when Kaz entered his body, he reacted and accepted it and seemed to enjoy it.

From that night on Kaz took advantage of Murdock as often as possible. He knew from the start that Murdock was no novice.

With the weather turning warmer, Murdock started to refuse the alcohol, he had been getting sicker from it and his cold was gone.

Kaz tried to get him to drink, but all it led to were fights. Murdock could see no reason for it, but them he didn't really know what Kaz had been doing. He would never had let it happen. But then he had not told anyone that he believed he had AIDS.

Kaz took to staying out later. He could get more money that way. He could get more customers in the warm weather and it took his mind off Murdock. He didn't have the courage to try anything when Murdock was in his right mind.

Murdock got used to Kaz being out late. He wished the kid wouldn't do what he did, but he had no power over him. And the kid helped him get through another winter alive. He wanted to tell Kaz what he had, but he was afraid. Afraid he'd lose the only friend he had in the world. He didn't want to be lonely, it made him think about the past, his friends, Face.

Then one night Kaz didn't come back to the flop. He had done that before, when he hooked up with the gang, so it didn't phase Murdock. But when he didn't return the next week, Murdock worried. He went out the next day, first to their dealer to pick up more pills and see if he'd seen Kaz. He hadn't. He searched for the gang, found one member who said he hadn't seen Kaz and they hadn't been out for a week together.

There was only one place Murdock could go. The mission.

"Still alive, I see," said Father Anthony.

"Yes, I am. You haven't told anyone have you?"

"You know I can't do that."

Murdock nodded, "I'm looking for that streetkid, Kaz."

"Why?"

"He's been helping me. We sort of share a flop together."

"Oh," Anthony's face fell.

"What is it?" said Murdock concerned.

"You haven't heard then? You knew what the boy did to earn money?"

Murdock nodded, he felt a chill in his heart.

"Well, he got beaten up by his last... customer, he's in hospital."

Murdock quickly moved to leave.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To see him."

"But --" It was too late. Murdock was gone. Father Anthony shook his head.

Murdock used some old tricks to get into the hospital and eventually found Kaz.

The kid was in a bad way with bandages over his skull, a broken leg and drips in his arms and nose.

Murdock sat beside his bed for a long time.

"Hey, who are you?" said a nurse coming in, "You shouldn't be here."

Murdock got up quickly, but seeing what she was he had to ask. "How is he?"

"Who are you first?"

"A friend, please."

"Okay. He'll be all right. He's been beaten and raped."

She saw Murdock wince.

"He'll be here for a long time though."

Murdock nodded and left.

He got lonely and had to steal to survive. He wound up in jail a few times, but his identity was never questioned, they never took his prints. He was just another bum to the cops. He served a few days and that was it.

He went to the hospital when he could. The nurse he had met the first time caught him there, he didn't want anyone else to.

It took a while for Kaz to regain consciousness and he happened to be there when he did. He called the nurse.

"What is it? You've never done that before, they'd kick you out," then she saw why, "Oh. Hello, can you hear me?"

Kaz nodded again.

"Good. Do you remember? You were beaten and... and raped. It's okay though, we tested you, you don't have AIDS, so don't worry about that."

Kaz nodded.

"I've got to get the doctor," she turned to Murdock, "You better go, he'll be okay."

Murdock left. He was relieved at least Kaz was safe and he didn't have the dreaded disease.

The next day he got caught stealing and wound up in jail again, only this time he got thirty days and he was sent to a minimum security prison. They also took his prints and he was using the name Harry Murphy. Luckily nothing came back on that, but still he was stuck there for thirty days.

Things had been fine in the prison, he got to eat, he was clean, shaved and everything was comfortable for once. And he kept to himself, there were a few in there he knew from the streets, but most of them were drying out. And it was one of them that led to trouble.

He was an alcoholic and he had not taken too well to being parted from his bottle. In fact he got violent at times. He took his frustration out on a newly arrived, yet adult street kid. The kid could make no defense against the man so Murdock came to the rescue. However, this made the man even more angry.

The next thing Murdock knew, he was in the hospital wing being patched up. He had evidently lost a lot of blood, as he had a bag attached to his arm.

"You were lucky Mr. Murphy, not much call for AB neg, around here."

He went back to sleep.

A few days later he was released not only from the hospital, but from the prison.

He went straight to the hospital to see Kaz. This time he would walk in safely as he had on a clean suit of clothes and despite a few remaining bruises from his encounter in the jail and a bandaged arm, he looked like a 'normal' person.

Kaz was still there, but he had been told he was to be moved soon to a foster home. He hated the prospect, but it would take a while for his leg to heal.

"I'll miss you, Harry. Anything at the flop, you can have if it's still there. Anything at the flop, you can there's something I have to tell you."

"Sure kid, I'll be here."

Half way across the country an interesting piece of news came into his hands of General Stockwell.

"I seem to have found Murdock," he said to the others at the house in Langley.

"What? Where?" demanded Face.

"Alton Minimum security prison, thirty days for theft, described as a vagrant. He has a string of similar offences. Goes by the name of Harry Murphy."

"How do you know it's Murdock?" asked the Colonel.

"His prints and his blood type."

"What? Why that?"

"Got hurt in a fight there, had to have a transfusion. Got released early because of it. Funny though. If he had stayed a few days he would have learned that he didn't have AIDS."

Murdoc was stunned. He couldn't believe what Kaz had just confessed to him.

"Sex... with me... but I've..."

We've tested you, you don't have AIDS, ran through his mind.

Doubleshock.

"I had to tell you, I might never see you again."

Murdock got up and turned to leave.

"Harry. Harry, please don't..." but he was out the door, "Good... goodbye."

Murdock found the friendly nurse by accident.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

He looked into her eyes, "How can I get an AIDS test?"

At first she was confused, but she saw the stunned look in his eyes and took him to be tested.

"It will take a little while, can you come back? Will you be far? I mean are you going back to the streets?"

He shook his head, "I don't know, I'll be back."

He went back to the flop, gathered his things then went somewhere else. To the mission house.

"It's clean Murphy," said the nurse, "A little anaemia, but that's it."

He seemed even more stunned.

"Hey, I said you're all right. What's the matter?"

"For the past... I don't know how long... I thought I had AIDS."

"Why?"

"I was... raped... The rapist gave another victim AIDS or... or so they thought... so I thought I had it too."

She took his hand, "That's why you've been on the streets, isn't it? Because of that?... Did you have a home?"

He nodded.

"Then call them. Go home. Get away from this life before it does kill you."

He left her still feeling stunned and also ashamed.

Ashamed of what he had done the past couple of years. Ashamed of what he had become.

How could he call home? How would they understand why he he had run away? He had deserted them...

"Well, we're here, how do we find him?" said Face.

"On the streets, that's where he's been lately," answered the Colonel.

Murdock lay on his bed at the mission. He was in turmoil, had been so for several days. He didn't know what to do. And though Father Anthony tried to help, he couldn't.

The Father had just left him to see to a man who had come in. He stayed where he was.

"How can I help you?" he heard Father Anthony say.

"I'm trying to track down a friend of mine..."

Murdock's heart hit his mouth with heavy force. He knew that voice, but he didn't move.

"Harry," he heard the Father say.

"Murdock!"

Shaking, he took the arm from his eyes and sat up.

Face beamed with joy, "Oh God, Murdock, I've found you at last."

He bowed his head.

"Murdock, you don't have AIDS."

"I know," he answered simply.

Somehow Face got him out of there and back to the hotel they were using. The Colonel was glad to see him too.

He said very little the whole time, just sat there. The Colonel let him have his bed at the hotel and slept on the couch. So this left him alone with Face in the room.

He sat on the single bed staring at the floor.

Face had changed in the bathroom and came out to find him that way.

"Murdock, are you going to talk to us at all. It's been a long time, we searched everywhere for you."

"I'm sorry, Face, but I had to go."

"Why? Tell me that, please."

"When Stockwell told me that bastard had AIDS, well, I thought about you."

"Murdock, that wouldn't have changed anything."

"Oh, but it would have, Face. He raped me. He scared the hell out of me and brutalized me. I couldn't tell anyone what he had done to me. It made me sick. Then when Stockwell told me... All I wanted to do was crawl away and die. But I didn't, I kept going on. I lived on the streets, I got addicted to barbiturates for a while too. I stole to survive and I made a friend too. A kid, a street kid who sold himself to survive, he helped me when I was sick. And because of him I found out that I didn't have AIDS."

"No, you couldn't have. He didn't have it. That victim got it afterwards from a blood transfusion, her brother had it and gave it to her in his blood."

Murdock nodded.

"Murdock, it wasn't Stockwell's fault. If we had known he raped you... If I had known..." he stopped, "I missed you so much."

"I didn't miss you. I blocked you out. I blocked it all out. I didn't want anyone close to me. Kaz did, but he got me high and looked after me when I was sick and I thought I was safe with him."

"Thought you were safe with him?"

"The little bastard... when I was out of it he... took advantage of me!"

Face stifled a laugh.

"It's not funny, Face. At the time I believed I had AIDS and I never told him, I never told anyone, except maybe Father Anthony. And he did it to me when I was stoned on pills and booze. He got me high on purpose. If I did have AIDS I would have given it to him."

Face bowed his head in shame, "But now you know you don't and you can come home."

"I don't know if I can go back."

"What? Why?"

"What to Face? For a long time I've lived on the streets surviving on my own, waiting to die. Now I know I'm not going to die as quickly as that."

"Murdock, we searched for you, we never gave up looking for you. We figured out that you had been raped, but we didn't know about the AIDS thing for a while. Because of that the Colonel couldn't figure out why you went. I couldn't either. Then when we found out about the rest, I knew why you had left. Because of me, right?"

Murdock bowed his head.

"No one else knows we've had a sort of relationship, Murdock. We agreed to keep it secret and we have. But Murdock, I couldn't live without your love, it's special to me. No one else gives me what you give me."

Murdock turned then and looked into the blue eyes. He saw his friend meant it.

Face leaned forward. They kissed and Face wanted more. Murdock pulled away.

"What?" asked Face.

Murdock looked at the door.

"The Colonel?"

Murdock nodded.

"If we're quiet he won't hear us."

Face took him by the hand and led him to the double bed.

It was slow, but Murdock let Face make love to him.

"I could never live without your love either," said Murdock later as he lay in Face's arms.

He was home and happy be to there.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Jeff died of AIDS when it was huge and people were scared of it.


End file.
